


mPreg: A Satire

by LadyJane_BBJFE



Series: mPreg satire series [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Crack, Mpreg, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1955502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyJane_BBJFE/pseuds/LadyJane_BBJFE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian is pregnant. Two versions of the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Rabbit is Dead

**Author's Note:**

> **BBJFE introduces her story:**
> 
> HI!! My name is BBJFE!!!!! OMG B/J R TEH BEST OMFG>!!!! AND THEY WUD MAKE THE CUTESTS BABYS EVAH RITE?. So rite I started riting B/J the GRATEST FAMILY STORIE EVAH but I had a kinda prob cuz my Ant Jane would not let me post on her accournt. See, I wanted to share my AWE SUM story with her audience cuz she had readers!!!11!!! And they all LUVED B/J and I NEW they all wood wanna read about B/J gettin married with a TON OF BABIES but she laffed at me cuz she’s old and has NO imaginashun and OMG she iz SUCH an mPreg hater which is what my AWE SUM babys storie is all about, about Brain and Jus and how happy they are with the babys!!!! My Ant Jane is just one big hater. Except that she says she’s gonna let me post my story on her account after all. So u get to luv it as much as me!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> **Jane responds to the charges:**
> 
> I actually don’t hate mPreg. In some contexts – like Supernatural stories and basically any fandom where magic/sci-fi would explain pregnant men – mPreg can be an interesting story line, although it's pretty friggin' weird, even when a writer isn't trying to simply erase women from existence (and a lot of writers are attempting precisely that). But to be specific in terms of my anti-QAF!US mPreg prejudice, I had a problem with mPreg/Brian-Justin because canon!Brian specifically represents the ultimate queer, non-heteronormative character, so for me, stories describing his delight at Justin’s pregnancy, or Brian happily decorating his baby’s nursery in his pastel-painted ranch house while sobbing over a fight with Justin were just all kinds of WTF. Which is my problem with most mPregs in general terms. But, as one hater did fling at me once: BUT YOU STILL WROTE ONE!!1!! Yes, yes I did. Here it is. 
> 
> Okay, so yeah. I am letting BBJFE post her story on my account since the little nutter is going to drive me CRAZY otherwise (also, in exchange, she’s going to teach me how Instagram and Snapchat work). But then I am going to post the _actual_ IC version of the story. So readers can pick whichever version they prefer.

**BRIAN IS PREGNANT  
by: BiggestBJFanEVER**

“Brian your pregnant” The doctor said.

Brain looked like he was getting ready to faint, then a huge smile spread across his face. “OMG, I’m gonna half to tell Justin hell be so happy!!!!”

[writers comment: I know guys can’t get pregnant but we can just pretend ok?]

Brian returns to the loft and runs to the bathroom and throws up.

“Hey!” Justin siad, coming in behind him. “What’s the matter with you? too much beam last night?”

“No baby,” Brian answered, “I have to tell you, I just came from the doctors and we’re gonna have a baby!”

“OMG!” Justin screams, and he dropped to the floor they were so happy!!!

 

**Brian is NOT the Woman:  
By Jane **

“Brian,” the doctor said. "Look, we haven’t figured out quite yet why this is happening, but apparently there have been recent developments in the evolution of human beings that have led to the spontaneous creation of fetuses from two Y chromosomes. This seems to have started in New York and San Francisco but we’re seeing it other places. I’ve been following it in the literature. You’re my first pregnant male, though.”

Brian stared at the doctor blankly for about two seconds. Then: “WHAT!!” 

The doctor blinked, but quickly regained his composure. “Yeah… apparently, when two men engage sexually, we’re seeing the spontaneous evolution of what amounts to a link between the urethra and intestinal system, basically creating a womb-like environment, and a spontaneous generation of the host sperm into an ovum-like organ. So… you’re pregnant.”

“Doctor.” Brian took a deep breath. “Are you telling me I’m going to shit a baby in nine months?”

“Oh, closer to seven, I’d say! You’re about eight weeks along. And no, you do not evacuate the baby, we perform a c-section. It's safer, in terms of the obvious bacterial issues.”

Eight weeks, eight weeks… shit. That would be the last time he’d let Justin top. But…

“But we use condoms!”

“They’re only 93% effective.”

“Okay. Fine. I'm pregnant. So who do I see about an abortion?”

**Later at the loft:**

Justin was reading a magazine when Brian slammed in, muttering, “Fucking don’t know how to do male abortions yet, but of course they’ve figured out the delivery…”

“Hey,” Justin greeted him, glancing across the room.

Brian glared at him. He crossed to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of whiskey off its shelf. He took a huge gulp, his glare never leaving Justin’s figure. Justin shrugged at his lover’s bad mood and turned back to his magazine. Brian took a second gulp of whiskey, which failed to go down properly. Brian felt it burn into his gut. Oh, shit, drank too quick… oh, fuck that damn queasiness that had sent him to the doctor’s in the first place…

Brian sprinted to the bathroom, just in time to puke his guts out in the toilet. 

Justin tried to ignore him, but after five minutes of Brian's dry heaving, Justin sighed and set the magazine aside. He walked over to lean in the bathroom doorway. “You okay, Brian?”

“No, I’m not fucking okay!” Brian yelled at him, clutching his stomach, “This is all your fault!!” 

Justin glared back. “What the fuck? I said you ought to come with me to Mel’s partnership party. You decided to get wasted and fuck at Babylon. How is that my fault?”

“I’m not hung over, I’m fucking pregnant!!” 

Justin stared at him for a moment, before a smile began to twist his lips. He just could not help the sudden delight that crossed his face.

“Don’t. You. Dare,” Brian commanded.

Justin burst out laughing. “You’re pregnant! Oh, this is too good, does Armani carry maternity wear?” He cackled, imagining fat Brian. Then, suddenly, he stopped as another thought occurred to him. “Hey… whose is it?”

“Oh, don’t be a fucking twat, I’m eight weeks along - count backwards.”

Oh, hell, Justin thought, realizing what that could be traced to. One more reason Brian would make toppy Justin an even rarer creature. Shit. “Hey, who you calling twat… and oh shit, how long will we be able to fuck? And will I still be attracted to you when you’re fat?” Justin’s lips twitched. This was going to be fun. 

“Don’t even go there,” Brian warned. “I’m not getting fat, and you’re never fucking me again.”

But Justin was all out _cackling_. “Oh my god, you’re the woman!!”

Brian rested his head on the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl’s lip. “Justin. Shut up. We are going to find the best damn abortionist on the East coast, and then I am never letting you fuck me again.”

“Oh, no, we are not.” Justin’s voice was firm, all humor aside. He knelt down on the floor next to Brian, placed his hand on his back. “You’re having my baby. That’s so cool.” 

“In your dreams. I am not, I repeat, not, having your baby.”


	2. Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael finds out.

**Michel is Bran’s BFF!!!**

by BBJFE 

“OMG Brain I am so happy for you!” Michael said as Ben shook Justin’s hand and slapped him on the back. Brian reached over and kissed his husband with tongues and everything.

 

 **Michael**  
by Jane

Michael’s face went white.

“Michael. Michael!!” Brian reached out and, with his index finger popping off his thumb pad, flicked him on the forehead. “I’m not dying, I’m just pregnant.”

“You’re… you’re…” Michael stared, eyes black with horror. 

“Uh, WE’RE,” Justin corrected, smirking. “My baby’s having my baby,” he said in a voice as sweet as the syrup Brian was pouring all over his stack of pancakes. 

“Fucking cut that out, would ya?” Brian bit out around the pancake he was shoving into his mouth. He could not get this shit into him fast enough. “You’re getting really annoying with that shit.”

“But… but…” Michael looked from one to the other, his eyes snapping back and forth. 

Justin raised his eyebrows, shit-eating grin firmly in place. 

“But fuck, Brian, he’d have to top you!!” Well, that might have come out a little loudly, Michael realized, as Brian froze in mid-chew and the diner’s chatter died. 

“Yeah, take out an advertisement, would ya Mikey?” Brian started chewing again. He didn’t want to; his body was definitely in control of this. 

“Take out an ad on what?” Ben asked as he slid into the booth next to his husband.

“Brian’s pregnant!” Michael shouted. In the background, the silence was absolute. “Holy shit!” came Deb’s voice from somewhere in the kitchen. 

“You’re an idiot,” Brian said to Michael. “Can you please shut the fuck up?”

“What?” Michael asked. "How could you do it, Brian?"

Justin rolled his eyes.


	3. Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hormones, baby showers, and the demise of Tickle-Me Elmo.

**BABY SHOWER  
by BiggestBJFanEVER **

Brain stopped drinking and doing all those bad things because they might hurt the baby. He felt better than he had in years and he really did have a glo, and Justin loved him so much! Justin told him so, and Brian said, "Oh baby I love you to" and they were so happy!" 

So then Lindsay told Justin he had to give Brian a baby shower and it was such a good idea! One day when Brain got home from work he was really sad because Cynthia had fogotten to get him a decaf latte. His back hurt to because now he is six months pregnant. 

“Surprise!” Everyone yells when he came to the door.

“OMG I’m so surprised!” Brian said and then the blonde came up to him and they made out like they wouldn’t stop until breathing became and issue and they had to come up for air before they past out. 

“Oh baby I’m so proud of you!” Deb said, wiping away a tear.

They open the presents and Brian liked everything, all the clothes and even a Tickle Me Elmo doll and a baby seat for the new car. They had a new car because the vet wasn’t particle for the baby.

“Thank you everybody now get out because I want to make love to my husband!” the brunet announced and everyone laughed and left and teh ad exec and the artist looked at the presents some more and made love and they were soooo happy!!!!

**BRIAN IS IN HELL  
by Jane **

_Scene One:_

"FUCK NO!!"

"Brian, you have to. You can't drink that anymore. Look, it's in the book..."

"Fuck your baby book, and fuck you!"

Justin closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. "Look, you can drink all the decaf you want...

"NO! I am not giving up coffee!"

"You only drank it to stay skinny anyway and you definitely don't have to worry about that anymore!" Justin snapped back, completely losing patience.

Brian stared back at him, and realized his eyes had begun to fill... what the fuck? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!! Horrified, the two men stared at each other as Brian began to cry. 

"Don't panic," Justin panicked, quickly thumbing through the book, "It's just hormones... fuck, FUCK where's the chapter on hormones?!"

"THIS SUCKS!!" Brian yelled, unable to stop crying. And completely devastated that Justin thought he was ugly. No one would ever want him, ever again. "FUCKING GET THIS ALIEN OUT OF ME!!!"

 

_Scene Two:_

“No. No fucking way,” Brian stated, staring at Lindsay and Justin. He held Gus on his legs. Gus was squirming to get comfortable because, at six months along, Brian no longer had a lap. The chiseled cheekbones were also far less sculpted, but his lips seemed fuller. At least Justin thought so; he thought Brian was sexy. Brian refused to listen to him, though. “I’m fucking fat, don’t patronize me!” Justin had stopped trying to placate him.

“We have to think practically,” Justin insisted now. “I’m not going to keep prying you out of the Corvette’s bucket seat. You need something you can step down from.”

"I will not be caught dead in a minivan!" 

"Not dead, pregnant," Lindsay answered. She glanced worriedly over at Melanie, who was biting her lips to keep from laughing hysterically. Mel almost hurt herself every time she saw pregnant Brian. Of course, Brian had shut her up by telling her that at least his pregnancy didn’t send Justin out on a hunt for the opposite gender’s genitalia. Mel kept her mouth shut after that, but every so often a giggle would escape. She really couldn’t help herself.

"Pregnant, dead, same thing," Brian mumbled. 

"Fine," Justin sighed, "How about an SUV?"

“Fuck this,” Brian said, “I’m putting Gus down for his nap.” 

After he’d left the room, Mel’s giggles became a little more pronounced. Justin turned to her with a pained expression. “Mel, can you cut that out? You have no idea what I’m going through.”

“Sure I do!” Melanie replied cheerfully.

“So, when’s the shower?”

“Shower?” Justin replied to Lindsay’s question. “He’d kill me.”

“You leave it all up to us, honey,” Lindsay told him. 

_Scene 3:_

Brian was pissed. Horny and pissed. First, he had had to start scheduling work around an afternoon nap. A nap! No matter what, three p.m., out like a light. Then, when he woke up, horny as hell. And would he be able to order up a trick? No way in hell, not after the amount of crap he’d been getting around Liberty Avenue as the new reigning Queen. Justin’s Queen, for fuck’s sake. Brian would never let any of the unworthy see him in this condition anyway. And then, as if Brian wasn’t sex deprived enough, Justin had announced that he, Justin, could only suck and fuck so much, like eight times a day was pushing it or something. I mean, come on, what was that _mouth_ for if not for Brian’s use? But Justin had put his foot down a week ago and refused to come by the office at 4:00 pm anymore. 

Brian slid open the door to the loft, yelling, “You better be naked and on your hands and knees, Sunshine! Prepare to have your brains fucked out…”

“Surprise!” everyone yelled along with Lindsay’s pained, “Brian!!”

Oh, fuck, they were all there. The whole gang. A banner hung low on his ceiling’s exposed beams, declaring, “Happy Blessed Event!” Everyone was waiting for him with a stack of gifts in the sitting area. A huge cake sat on the kitchen counter.

“This was not my idea,” Justin called from where he sat on a stool. “Besides, traditionally, I’m not even supposed to be here.”

Brian crossed to the father of the fetus, grabbed him by the hand, and pulled him through the throng of well wishers. “It’s a good thing you are,” he informed the little twat. Well, it’s a good thing Justin’s _mouth_ was here. As Deb and Emmett offered their sincere best wishes, Brian muttered back, “Yeah, yeah, get the cake ready, I gotta take care of something.”

Ten minutes later, Justin re-emerged, beet red. “He’ll, ah, he’s taking a shower, he’ll be out in a minute.” Ted shook his head, and eyed the heavy, post-coital expression on Justin’s face. Shit, he thought, I’d get pregnant if I could get me a piece of that.

_Fifteen minutes later:_

Brian finished his third slice of cake, and finally asked, “Hey, where’s Mikey?”

“Oh, he’s, um, he had an emergency at the comic store…” Ben answered.

“A comic book emergency?” Brian repeated, setting his fork down, knowing he REALLY shouldn’t have that fourth piece he was eyeing. 

“Yes, well, ah…”

“Presents, Brian!” Lindsay interrupted cheerfully. “Come see what we got you!”

Twenty minutes later, Brian held up a tiny pack of onesies. “What the fuck? What the fuck is Baby’s Best? You call that a brand? No one could shop Baby Prada?"

“Don’t even, Brian,” Justin responded from his spot next to Brian on the couch. “I told you we should have registered.” He pressed the Tickle Me Elmo. Privately, he was calling the thing “Melanie’s revenge.” It giggled. For the three kajilionth time. 

Brian grabbed the doll and ripped its head off.

“Brian!” Melanie shrieked, unable to believe (well, very able to believe) that her present had been decapitated. One more piece of ammo for me, she thought.

“Brian!” Lindsay reprimanded. My god, the man had just decapitated a poor, helpless stuffed animal.

“Brian!” Justin sighed, wishing that everyone would get out so he could give Brian a rim job, fuck his brains out and calm him down. That measly bathroom blow job was good for a half-hour, tops. And time was way up. 

“Brian!” Deb snapped, hitting him upside the head.

“Ow, Deb, why?” Brian smoothed out his hair, looking over his shoulder to the woman and her My Gay Married Son Is Oppressed and If He Can’t Marry I Won’t! t-shirt. 

She looked confused for a moment. “Because I love you,” she answered.

“All right, that’s it, everybody out,” Brian commanded, struggling to stand. He glared at Justin, who moved to help him. The gang all stared back at Brian, not reacting to his announcement. Fuck, why do I always need to be explicit? he thought, before continuing, “I am horny as hell and Justin promised me he would…”

“All right that’s it, out! everybody out!” Justin interrupted, elbowing Brian in the pudge. 

Brian gasped, clutching his side.

“Oh my god, are you all right?”

Brian grinned evilly. “Shit, sunshine, you are way too easy.” His look turned serious. “And you better stay that way for the next three months.”

“Yeah, cause after that you’re never going to fuck again,” Mel cackled.

“You would know!” Brian yelled after her, slamming the door after the crowd.


	4. Baby Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian or Brianna? Justine or Justinna? And other fallout from the sonogram.

IV

**BJ See teh Babies!!!1!!  
by BiggestBJFanEVER **

The artist and the ad exec went back to Doc Mcgruder for the six month checkup. He told him they were going to have twins! they were so happy!

“Oh my god baby I do not believe it!” Brain screamed.

Justin hugged him and kissed him and the doctor was embarrassed because he was really a really big homophobe but he did not say anything because Brian was paying his really high doctor fee. 

Then the doctor looked again and he told them “OMG it is really triplets!”

“We are three times blest!” Brian sobbed. “Oh my god baby I do not believe it!” Justin screamed. Brain reached over and grabbed his sunshine and kissed him a really long time til the blonde almost past out and the doctor had to leave the room.

Justin drove home because Brian was too big now. On the way home they decided to name their babies that they found out were two girls and a boy Justine, Brianna and Michael. They totally agreed that the babies of the same sex should have their names and it was going to be soooo cool. 

“Now we have to go shopping for more baby things!” Justin said. 

Brian was so happy because he loved to shop!

 

**The Litter, by Jane**

“Hi, Dr. McGruder.”

“Hello, Justin. How are you, Brian?” Dr. McGruder asked, looking up from the chart at his patient. Brian lay back on the examination table, his custom-made Armani jacket set aside, his shirt unbuttoned.

“I’m just ducky,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.

“He’s been a bit testy,” Justin added.

“Testy, I'm not testy,” Brian contradicted. “I can't work, I fall asleep every day at three like I’ve got narcolepsy and when I’m not sleeping I want to fuck non-stop. Poor little Sunshine can’t keep up.”

Justin blushed, but the doctor just laughed. “Perfectly normal,” he said, taking out the gel and setting up the machinery for the sonogram.

“Don’t forget the food cravings,” Justin added. Brian hissed as the cold liquid hit his protuberant stomach. 

“I don’t have food cravings,” Brian said. 

“What?! What about last night, 2:30 a.m.? Sending me out for chunky monkey ice cream? And anchovies?”

Brian snickered. “Yeah, I can’t believe you fell for that.” 

“What?!” 

“You’re getting redundant there, daddy boy.”

“Huh.” They were interrupted by the doctor's grunt.

Justin turned his attention to the ultrasound monitor where a whole bunch of squiggles had come up on the screen. "What?" he asked, again. Brian snorted. Justin smacked his arm. 

“Well,” the doctor repeated in a quizzical tone.

“What?” Justin asked. 

“Does it have two heads?” Brian craned his head around, curious.

“Well, actually, yes. I see two babies.”

“What!!” Brian didn't consider that he was now repeating Justin's redundancy. 

Justin just stared. The sonogram actually looked like an early Jackson Pollack. 

“No… wait. Three. Three babies. Hm… looks like one penis… maybe two, definitely a boy, a girl… and a third, unknown, I can only see the butt.”

“Where?” Justin asked, staring at the screen. The doctor pointed out the outlines of the tiny bodies for him. 

“Oh my god,” Brian moaned, “I’m having a litter.” 

“I am the MAN!!” Justin announced, putting his arm around Brian's shoulders and squeezing him. “My awesome sperm couldn’t be satisfied with just one of yours…”

“Our. OUR awesome sperm, and I swear to god if you don’t cut out that 'I'm da man' crap…”

“You’re just mad because Chandelier asked if you wanted to borrow her cape. But your coat wouldn't button! She wasn’t calling you a woman, she was just being helpful!”

“It’s cherry red! And fur-lined!” Brian spat.

“You like fur!”

“Not white rabbit fur! Fucking FAKE rabbit fur!”

Dr. McGruder chuckled. Shit, he couldn’t wait to present this at the next conference of the ABOG.

***

“We’re going to have to buy more baby things,” Justin said, glancing over at Brian, who was absent-mindedly rubbing his stomach. Justin thought that was the cutest thing ever, but he knew Brian didn’t realize he was doing it, and if Justin wanted to continue to catch sight of Brian’s unconscious caress, he damn well better keep his mouth shut.

“On line. I am not going to go to another of your fucking baby stores.”

Justin snickered, remembering the last saleswoman’s sheer horror after she had tried to help them out. It had taken about ten minutes of dealing with Brian before she handed them, with some lame excuse about needing to feed her cat, over to an thin young sales clerk who had rolled his eyes at the woman's back before proceeding to take them to the “completely unacceptable crap,” as Brian called it. So much for “Babies R Us.”

“So, I was thinking we could name them…”

“Brian, Justine and Michelle,” Brian interrupted in a high pitched voice, tongue firmly poked into the side of his cheek. 

“No fucking way!” Justin returned. “You’re assuming the third’s a girl, anyway.”

“Fine, Brian, Justine and Michael.”

“Why is the boy named after you? Justin, Michelle, and Brianna.” 

“No fucking way!” 

“This is a ridiculous conversation.”

“You’re right, of course,” Brian agreed. 

“Stupidest names I ever heard,” Justin nodded, pulling up to the loft’s parking.

“Since they’re going up for adoption anyway.”


	5. Birth!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE BABIES ARE BORN OMG

**The babies are born! by, BiggestBJFanEVER**

So one day Brian woke up and he was feeling a lot of pain like someone had took a knife to his insides. He pondered if he should wake up his sunshine because Justin looked like an angel sleeping and he loved him with all his heart and sole and wanted him to get his rest. Then he had another pain and he groaned and the blonde who was sooo in tune with his baby that they're minds had become one woke up! 

“Oh baby your going to have our babies!” Justin screamed and he got up and put Brian into the minivan and they drove to the hospital.

There was a problem in the delivery and the doctor pushed Justin aside when Brian’s heart stopped, but it turned out to not be a problem.

“Congradulations you’re a father!!” Dr. Mcgruder told Justin. Justin almost feinted when he saw the babies, but he kissed his husband and told him “you did good baby.” Then Brain even though he was exhausted kissed him like he would fuck him right there even though he was recovering from a major operation and the nurse snickered.

They named their babies Justine and Brianna and Michael because the third one was a girl after all and then they bought a house in the suburbs because the loft was just a fuck pad and they BBQd all the time and the babies grew up and they were all so happy and loved each other so much!!

The End! by BiggestBJFanEVER Now write me reviews or I’ll never write again, lol, just kidding!

 

**Brian’s Nightmare, by Jane**

“Ergh!” Brian grunted, waking up. What the fuck!!? Yeah, he knew that chili was spicy; Justin had warned him, blah blah blah – that was the _point,_ didn’t they say spicy foods started contractions? So Justin had been a little pissed when he caught Brian eating that crap at diner, reminding him that, at just under eight months, it was still too soon for the babies to come out. Brian disagreed with that, of course. First of all, when WASN’T Justin irked at him for one reason or another? And second, these aliens could not get out of him soon enough. Plus, they were multiples! They were supposed to come out at like seven months! 

And then Justin throwing ridiculous names at him, like Brittney. And Sasha. Heather! “Heather is so last decade,” Brian told him. “We could call them Spot, Rover, and Duke. Or just numbers, like the Borg! Two of Three.” 

Justin hadn’t been amused. Mikey would have been amused. Mikey got Brian’s awesome geekery that Brian pretended was just a way of humoring his best friend. Of course, the Borg were _not_ amusing. And it would be a perfect way of keeping track of them, amusing Michael, and pissing off the idiot who did this to him!! Win, win, win. 

Still, after he’d been dragged home and had fallen into bed for the 7:00 pm blackout (fucking nap, for Christ’s sake), Brian hadn’t passed out as quickly as he usually did. He opened one eye half way when he felt hands gently touching his skin, smoothing that incredibly expensive, worthless stretch mark lotion into his belly. Looking down, he saw only the top of a blond head leaning over his huge bloat, massaging the useless stuff onto him, whispering at his gut. Then soft lips touched his skin, lingering there.

Kind of sweet, actually, he thought, closing his eye and leaning back to simply enjoy his lover’s touch. Not that he would ever tell Justin that. Nope, uh uh, not in a million years, not if Giorgio Armani himself asked him to, pretty please. 

So maybe Justin wasn’t always off base, Brian thought, stifling another low moan. Oh, well, fuck. Maybe it wasn’t the chili.

“Justin,” he whispered.

Justin snorted, and rolled over. 

“Justin,” he said. 

Mouth chewed, went slack. Drool ensued. 

“Justin fucking wake up!” he yelled.

“Fuck!” Justin screeched, bolting up. “Fuck, Brian! can’t you figure out a nicer way to do that!”

“I would if you’d respond to it! Look, I think… fuck fuck fuck!” He made no attempt to stifle that grimace. “It feels like someone’s shooting fire up my ass and into my back. Not in a good way.”

“Oh, shit, contractions! You’re not supposed to deliver for another month!”

“The doctor told us it would be early,” Brian said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Thank god! Ha, he _knew_ the chili would work!

“Yeah, right, I told you not to eat that chili…”

“Yeah yeah, you told me, you’re so right, now can you please get the fucking car and drive me to the fucking hospital so we can have these fucking babies?”

***

Justin really wished he hadn’t insisted on being present for the delivery. Brian had told him he didn’t want him there. “Why can’t you just once be the old-fashioned man and go smoke a cigar while the doctor cuts me open? You think I want to see you faint because there’s a huge gash in my guts?” 

“That’s what you’d be doing, I’m sure, ignoring my pain,” Justin said. “I’m not you, so shut the fuck up. Want some ice?” 

“Yeah. And don’t come back!” Brian added as Justin left. 

“Don’t come back, ha, he really knows I will despite what he says, one of these days I’ll just leave him in the middle of this shit, see if I don’t,” Justin mumbled, knowing full well he’d be back as soon as he possibly could. He turned into the cafeteria. “Yeah,” he said to the woman behind the lunch counter. “I need a bucket of ice.”

The cafeteria lady looked at him as if he had three heads. “How ‘bout a cup, cutie?”

“Fine.” 

“Justin!”

Oh, fuck, what the fuck was Michael doing here? Ben came up behind his husband. 

“How’s Brian doing?” Michael asked. “What room is he in?”

“He doesn’t want to see anyone, Michael. Shit, he doesn’t even want me there.” Justin took the cup from the cafeteria lady. 

“What do you mean!? I’m his BEST FRIEND. Who else is going to look out for him?”

Justin glanced over at Ben. “Hey, Ben.”

“Hey, Justin,” Ben said, steady as a rock. “Michael, sweetie, why don’t we wait here, and Justin’ll let us know when we can come and see the babies?”

“Yeah, good idea Michael, I’ll keep you up to date and you can keep everyone else up when they get here.”

"Yeah, but Justin, who else is going to man the camera?” Mikey asked, his eyes glinting. For one second, the two men grinned evilly at each other. 

“Thanks, Michael,” Justin smirked. “I’ll let you know when he’s out of delivery.” Or maybe just before.

Michael and Ben headed to the waiting room to discuss blackmail shots. Just when Justin thought Michael was totally useless, Brian’s bestie remembered the important things. 

***

Justin really wished he hadn’t insisted on watching the bloody delivery. As each baby was lifted out the gaping hole in Brian’s side and let out their little, pathetic squalls, Brian watched Justin watching the babies. “Gross, huh?”

“They really are the ugliest little aliens I’ve ever seen.” 

“I meant my wound!!” 

The nurse snorted. “Men,” she said. “They are the most beautiful little creatures in the universe!” She cleaned up the second baby, wrapped it in a blanket, and handed it to Justin. The first was in one of three bassinets off to the side. The little one in Justin’s arms was scrunched up, red, and wrinkled. It waved a little hand at him. The nurse brought the last one to Brian. 

“Two of Three!” Brian called to it, holding out his arms, and, taking the little baby, held it against his chest. 

The doctor glanced back at Justin and began to suture up Brian’s side. “Give ’em a couple of days, boys. They’re all healthy; that boiled lobster look’ll fade. And you’re lucky you don’t have a vagina, at least their heads aren’t squashed.”

“Let me tell you, doc, that’s the least of the reasons I’m lucky I don’t have a vagina. And I’d say it’s Sunshine here who’s even…”

“Ah, doctor, can we be alone for a few minutes?” Justin asked, interrupting Brian. 

“Sure, we’re all done here. Nurse, you want to set these boys up in a room?”

“I’ll get right on it,” the nurse said. She took the baby from Justin, and put it in its own little incubator on the side of the room where it gurgled, and waved its little hands around with its sister, and whimpered. The little aliens were not terribly pleased with this turn of events. 

“Good luck, boys. Brian, I’ll send Dr. Weathers in to see you when you get back to your room. He said he had five minutes at two p.m.” And he left.

“Dr. Weathers?” Justin asked, moving next to Brian, placing his hand on the back of the baby on Brian’s chest. It was rooting around with its head. 

“Sorry, buddy, these are purely decorative,” Brian told the little boy, shifting the creature closer to his throat and away from his nipple. “Yeah, he’s the plastic surgeon.”

“Oh for god’s sake,” Justin grumbled. He watched the little guy for a moment. “Hey, where are we going to put them? We don’t really have that much room in the loft!”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t think of this earlier?”

“Well, I just… uh. No. We have the cradles, so…” He was sheepish.

“Ah, my little blond…”

“Fuck you.”

“No, no, never again.”

Justin eyed him, opened his mouth to protest, but Brian interrupted his gathering resistance. That was not a point of debate, as far as Brian was concerned. Never. Again.

“Anyway,” Brian headed him off. “I bought the loft underneath ours.”

“What?”

“Yeah, and I hired Emmett to be our nanny.”

“WHAT?”

“Well, he’s between jobs.”

“Again? Does he have any experience?”

“Emmett has lots of experience.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it! Don’t you think you could consult me before making all these decisions…” 

“Sh…” The baby on Brian’s chest started to twitch and spit. 

“Sorry,” Justin whispered. “Didn’t you think we should TALK about this before you just decide all this shit?” 

Brian twisted his lips. “Shit, sunshine, where have YOU been for the past four years?”

“…Fine. Still. I’ve been right here.” 

“Trust me. I’m not likely to forget it.”

Justin took his hand off the baby, and wove his fingers through Brian’s damp hair. “Look at him, Brian, isn’t he perfect?” He glanced over his shoulder at the two babies on their backs, sleeping. “Wow. You and me.” He looked down, blue eyes shining. “I really love you, you know?” He leaned down and kissed Brian softly on the mouth. 

Oh, fuck, what the hell, Brian thought. “Yeah, Sunshine, I lo--…”

____

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Justin bolted upright in bed, and stared over at Brian who had leapt to his feet and was standing on the mattress, chest heaving, his shout echoing through the loft.

“Much as I enjoy the view, you want to tell me what the fuck?”

Brian stared around wildly. Then he looked down at Justin, down by his feet. Justin stared up into Brian’s face. Right past Brian’s cock. And Brian could see it, he could see his own dick. He clasped his hands to his rock-hard abs. “Oh, fuck, thank god, thank god, thank god…” He sank to his knees and kept feeling his abdomen, his thin waistline, running his fingers across his smooth, stretch-mark-less skin…

“Hey, you keep doing that,” Justin told him, “You’re going to make me want you on all fours again.” Justin twitched his eyebrows at him, grinning.

Brian sucked in his breath, remembering the night before. “No. Fucking. Way. You are never fucking me again. And for that measure, I’m never fucking you again either. Never. Never never never. Never eating Indian food and letting you fuck me and stuff me full of tiny little aliens.” 

Justin burst out laughing. He reached out, and touched Brian’s stomach. “Oh, right, Brian, it was just a dream, get over it. Although…”

“Yes?” Brian arched an eyebrow.

“I’m really flattered that you secretly want to have my babies.”

Brian snorted. “OR, you should be grateful that I allow you entrance to the inner sanctum, despite my obvious issues with the position. The things I do for you…”

“Yeah, right, you want my babies, just admit it. Anyway, it’s just a dream. You’re still fucking fabulous. Still all flat. And firm. Really firm.” One hand moved up Brian’s abs, to his chest, fingers brushing over the nipple. The other hand descended to Brian’s dick, which surged to life. “And you know what they say, if you fall off the horse…” 

“It’s not falling off the horse, it’s BEING the horse.” 

“Whatever.” Justin’s hand descended, past his balls, toward his ass. Brian scrunched up his face. Nope, nope, nope, wasn’t going to happen, but… memories of last night kicked in. Justin was pretty fucking good at that. And maybe it was just a sign of his anxiety over the fact that he was starting to enjoy being mounted by his partner a bit too much… Shit. He did not have emotional issues. Damn it, he didn’t. And he could prove it. He lay down on the mattress, opening himself to Justin’s touch. “Fine, get it over with,” he sighed, spreading his legs. “You better kiss me first! And I don’t mean on the lips!”


End file.
